After the conflict has cooled and children are in different spaces: one question. 'What would make it right between you two?' The child who caused the harm proposes something; the child who was harmed accepts or counters. The parent facilitates but does not dictate the content. A repair that comes from the child holds far better than an apology that is instructed.
How to do it
- 1"Wait at least five minutes after the conflict. Then bring them back together."
- 2To the one who caused harm: what could you do to make it right?
- 3Let them propose something. To the other: does that work?
Variations
- Korb-Tür: If the child won't propose a repair or refuses to acknowledge harm, accept silence. "Okay. You two are separate until you both want to try." Don't force it.
- Ausstieg: After agreement, step back entirely. Don't monitor it or praise it. The repair is complete when they've agreed. Let them walk away without commentary.
💡 Parent tip
Accept imperfect repairs. 'I'll let you have the remote first tonight' is a real repair even if it seems small. The quality of the gesture matters less than the habit of making one.
What your child develops
- Restorative thinking — proposing a repair requires perspective-taking and understanding the effect of one's action on the other person
- Autonomous accountability — a repair that is chosen carries more relational weight than an apology that is performed under instruction
- Conflict resolution schema — children who practise proposing repairs develop a template they apply independently over time
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